my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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