Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
