i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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