she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
