I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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