Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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