I wish my penis had an off switch
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
