Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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