Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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