I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
