Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Is it penis luge time yet?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
