We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
