I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
