Don't EVER smell your tampon
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
