she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
