some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
