She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
