am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My balls are so social today.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
