Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
