i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
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Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The air was thick with penises
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
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This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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