Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
