I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
