I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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