Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
