Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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