remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
