he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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