if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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