I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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