And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
