I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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