Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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