Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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