Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
