Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hippo gnu deer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
