Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
