mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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