I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
