I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think your dad took our porno
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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