Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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