Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
