Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
