The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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