i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
