I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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