woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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