I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
