i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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