OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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