Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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