I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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