She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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