hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think i have two assholes
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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