he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
