the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
