I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
