Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
the liver wants what the liver wants
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
