You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
