Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
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She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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