I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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