ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
