I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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