My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I want her autograph on my taint
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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