I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
