i love accidental penises.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
